April 2010

I want to talk to about something that happened in our support group recently.

A member was talking about the guilt she feels and she said she blamed herself,"...for not being there when he needed me most...I just didn't know, I had no clue that he was hurting so bad!  I would give anything for a do-over..."

I told her that I struggled with this also after my sons suicide. This is what helped me. I finally realized that the statement "I wasn't there for him" was not true. And I bet it's not true for you either. Did he have your phone number? Address? Know how to contact you in some way? So did my son. Just because they didn't choose to call us does not mean we weren't there for them.

When I shared this in group another member emailed this to me:

"We all struggle with feeling that we were not there for our children when they needed us the most and I understand your response, but for me the fact is that my son DID call me and I didn't answer. I was in a meeting and i thought he was just calling to see when i would be home.There was no answer when I called him back and then I found him when I got home. I will always regret that I didn't pick up that call ...  I know that when he didn't get me he could have called others or done something else but that call he made that I didn't take is still very unresolved for me."

I can relate to this because my son also called me a few days prior to his death. He died on Mon night. He called me at 6 AM the Sat before he died. He woke me up so I was trying to get my brain in gear. He was sobbing so hard I didn't know who it was. I never heard him sob like that. He said, "Can you help me?" and I said, "Who is this?" In a really stern voice he said, "It's your son." I told him he woke me up and apologized but he was angry and hurt and so the conversation was short. But I remember very clearly that he said to me, "I don't have any friends, mom. Every one hates me." In my half-awake state I gave him some stupid canned answer. If I could get just 1 do-over it would be that day. I would ask him to come spend the day with me and talk to him about it. I would do it all completely different!!

After he died I found out that the night before he called me, his 'girlfriend' called all their friends to come over and they sat around and told him all his faults so they "could help him change". I didn't know that when he called, he never mentioned it. The gal that told me about it said her and her hubby refused to say anything because they knew he was already depressed. I firmly believe that was his "last straw". Hopefully she learned along the way that its not your job to try to change ANY one.

Having said that, I still say that Rob had other options that night. His best friend lived right next door. Why didn't he go over and talk to him? Why didn't he go for a ride or just go back to bed. He was in bed and got up when they started fighting. Anyway ... 

We all have things we wish we could do-over. Some things that we blame ourselves for, we are just not responsible for. In some cases, we did mess up and now we don't have that do-over. This is where you have to learn to forgive yourself. I have messed up with all my kids ...we all have. But even when I messed up, there was never, ever a time that I meant harm for my kids in any way. It's called parenting - we learn as we go. None of us are perfect. In the case above, the lady was in a meeting at work so she didn't answer. That is completely understandable. Just because the end result was tragic does not mean she meant it to be or that she is to blame for what happened. I know what she is thinking .. maybe it would have ended differently if she had answered. Maybe it would have. But maybe it wouldn't have ...

You also need to remember that if you would have had any idea he was suicidal when he called, all of heaven and earth couldn't have stopped you from picking that phone up!!! You know that's true! You aren't to blame for something you didn't know.

I remember about 8 or 9 years ago we had two moms join the parents group the same week. One mom was really beating herself up because she thought about having her son committed to keep him safe, but she didn't do it. The other mom was blaming herself because she did have her son committed and he took his life while on suicide watch in the mental hospital.

Suicide isn't about us ... it's not about what we did or didn't do, or  what we did or didn't say. It's about them and their perception of their world. How many of you had kids that you knew were suicidal and you still couldn't stop them, even though you tried? A lot of you! Some of you spent years trying to keep your child alive.  

Many of you had children dealing with addictions (drug or drink) and you actually did the right thing, even though it turned out wrong. I know several of you cut ties and told them to come back when they were clean. That is exactly what addicts need for them to turn it around. Just because it ended wrong does not mean you did the wrong thing. Drugs are so nasty. They make you loathe the drugs you crave, and therefore you loathe yourself. There is nothing rational about a druggie!

We all like to think that if we could have had those last few minutes with them things would have been different. And in some cases it may have. We know suicide prevention does work. But if most of them could have been stopped that night ...  what about the next? And the next? 

If we could go back in time to just before they died, knowing what we know right now, there is still no guarantee we could save them. Ask the parents that threw their heart and soul into it for years.

Forgive you. You did the best you could do with the information you had at the time. YOU are not to blame.

I care,

Louise