As a new survivor, it seems impossible that life could ever be 'livable' again. During the first year I remember having suicidal thoughts. Being in that deep pain for the rest of my life just wasn't something I felt I could live with. Every waking moment was absorbed with thoughts of my son and how to make it through this nightmare, not to mention the guilt that had a death grip on me!!! I will never forget that pain!
In fighting off the guilt issues, we have to be fair to ourselves. We have great hindsight and all those things we think we should have seen are now magnified. However, we didn't know then what we know now, so its just not fair to judge what we should have done or known back then, with the information we have today. Hindsight is a distorted perception because we have more knowledge to look back with.
Suicide isn't about us, it's about them! It isn't about how much we loved them or didn't love them. It's about how they felt about themselves. It's about low self esteem and hopelessness and bad choices. It's about a lot of things, but it all centers around the one that suicided. We can't accept the blame for something we couldn't 'fix'.
For the things we did that were a mistake- forgive yourself! You've made mistakes in other realtionships also, and you probably will again. We all have! YOU are not to blame.
There will be times that you'll feel like you're making progress, only to feel like you've suddenly lost ground. As frustrating as that is, each set-back will be less intense than the last one. And it won't take as long to come back out of them. This is a normal part of the healing process- there is nothing wrong with you.
Although it may not seem possible to you right now, the pain will ease in time. Laughter will come back and life will make sense again one day. Healing comes as you process what happened and find the answers that will suffice. Some poeple find real answers. Some find a way to accept that they will never really have answers. It takes time to work through it and get to that place. In the meantime, please be kind to you.