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Surviving a Suicide ...
As a new survivor, it seems impossible that life could ever be 'livable' again. During the first year I struggled with suicidal thoughts, which is pretty common among survivors. Being in that deep pain for the rest of my life just wasn't something I felt I could live with. Every waking moment was absorbed with thoughts of my son and how to make it through this nightmare, not to mention the guilt that had a death grip on me!!! I will never forget that pain and the path through hell of walking it out.
In fighting off the guilt issues, we have to be fair to ourselves. We have great hindsight and all those things we think we should have seen are now magnified. However, we didn't know then what we know now, so its just not fair to judge what we should have done or known back then, with the information we have today. Hindsight is a distorted perception because we have more knowledge to look back with.
Suicide isn't about us, it's about them! It isn't about how much we loved them or didn't love them. It's about how they felt about themselves. It's about low self-esteem, hopelessness and bad choices they made that took them to a difficult place. It's about a lot of things, but it all centers around the one that suicided.
We can't accept the blame for something we couldn't 'fix'. For the things we did that were a mistake- forgive yourself! You've made mistakes in other realtionships also, and you probably will again. We all have! We make bad choices, we do things that we wish we could change, we get ugly... but YOU are not to blame.
Please read the poem Responsibility. In fact, it would be good to print it out and pin it in places where you see it often.
Healing takes work and time. There will be times that you'll feel like you're making progress, only to feel like you've suddenly lost ground. As frustrating as that is, each set-back will be less intense than the last one. And it won't take as long to come back out of them. This is a normal part of the healing process, and there is nothing wrong with you.
Although it may not seem possible to you right now, the pain will ease in time. Laughter will come back and life will make sense again one day. Please hold onto that hope. There will be days that a little hope is all that will get you through them. Healing comes as you process what happened and find the answers that will suffice. Some people find real answers; some find a way to accept that they will never really have answers and they come to a peace with it. But it takes time to work through it and get to that place. In the meantime, please be kind to you.
I Wasn't There For Him (Her) ...
One of the irrational thoughts many of us have after a suicide is that we "weren't there" for them. Let's think about that. Did he know your phone number? Know where you live and work? Did he know how to contact you? Of course he did. But he chose not to.
We were available for them, and we would have done everything in our power to stop this sucide if we had an opportunity to. We cannot follow anyone around 24/7 to 'be there' for them. Had we known then what we know now, every one of us would have been there, even if they didn't want us to be. Please be kind to you.
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During times such as holidays, birthdays and other Tender Days we feel the pain intensify.
It doesn't matter if it's Christmas or a family reunion, the void feels so much bigger during family times. Are you struggling with making plans, or wonder how you'll get through a holiday? Are you overwhelmed and feel like it isn't do-able? I assure you it is, let me help you.
HELP FOR HOLIDAYS (and other Tender Days)
1. Write down your fears about the holidays so you know what they are ahead of time and can work through them.
2. Plan ahead. Give yourself permission to only do those things you can do, yet don't allow yourself to be isolated and sink into depression
3. Break it down into a series of small events instead of an endless stream of painful things that overwhelm you. You can handle one event at a time.
4. Decide how you can alter family traditions so they are do-able. Or start all over with your own traditions. Keep in mind that children need some traditions to continue. It will give them a security and a sense of "normalcy".
5. Keep holiday planning and celebrations as simple as possible. Don't over-do or push yourself beyond your limits. Shop early or by mail order or internet if you want to avoid the holiday crowds.
6. Include your loved one in the day by sharing positive memories. Talk about your feelings; it's OK to cry or laugh. Don't hide behind "the mask."
7. Try a change in traditions, such as a trip that everyone agrees to, or bowling, a movie, a museum, minature golf, etc.
8. Remember that you can help others most by taking care of you. Do (or buy) something nice for yourself, or treat yourself to something you like. Be kind to you. You deserve it!
9. Give of yourself this holiday season by visiting nursing homes or helping in a 'soup kitchen'. Healing comes from doing for others.
10. Prepare ahead of time how you will respond to cheerful people this holiday season. When you hear "Happy Holidays!" you may want to say, "Thanks, happy holidays to you" or just "Thanks."
For more articles to help you prepare for the holidays, and ideas to make it all less painful, click here: Holidays
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