Parents often tell me how hard it is to get teens to talk about the loved one that suicided. Most teens (and most men) don't want to talk about it. Trying to push the issue with them is like pressuring them - it is not healing for them.
Most women not only want to talk about it, we have a strong need to. However, this does not mean that other family members have to feel like we do, or respond like we do, to heal. Let your teens have their space to heal in their own way. Parents that try to force children to talk or 'deal with it' usually only cause resentment. (The exception to this is if you see signs that they are in danger and they need professional help)
Get them some good books, give them the books and let it go. It's up to them if they read them or not. Please don't pressure them to do so. Let them know you are there and if they want to talk they can come to you anytime. That's all they need. The only time I think you should push the issue is if they have graphic issues and it has caused them to adapt behavior that isn't healthy. If that happens they need a counsleor they can relate well with. It doesn't matter if you relate to them or not, the teen has to have a good repoire with them, or they won't talk. Remember, you can force them to go to counseling, but you cannot force them to share what they really feel. Kids are really good at giving you what they think you want ... and faking it. Chances are they have a close friend they talk to about it anyway. Like all of us, they need time to accept what happened and time to redefine the life they now have without this loved one. Having a teen that refuses to talk about it is not a cause for alarm. It's normal. Having a teen that is acting out in ways that are very unusual for them is cause for concern. Maybe a counselor at school or church would be a place to start.
To learn more about the signs to watch for to know when a professional should be called in, please read the article from Hospice below.
When Should Professionals Be Called?
It can be difficult to separate normal teen behavior from that of a grieving teen in trouble. Some of the indicators that let you know when a teen needs more than a help group or peer counselors offer are:
Dramatic behavior changes. A teen's home, school, and social life are the arenas for observing behavior changes. Listen and take notes if comments and concerns are being expressed.
Extraordinary pressure. Get to know the teen and invite discussion regarding his or her activities at home or at school. Find out if keeping up with work is a problem or if the teen is feeling overwhelmed with what needs to be done. Ask if there is some time to spend alone or with friends.
Isolation. Is the teen spending too much time alone, canceling on dates and parties, or dropping out of after-school activities?
Depression. Discuss the differences between bereavement depression and clinical depression. Encourage the teen to consider further help, if indicated. Supply information about where to go to get counseling.
Death wish. Always take any talk of dying seriously and explore the teen's thoughts and feelings on the matter. Listen carefully to messages from the teen indicating there is a death wish. When a loved one has died, it isn't uncommon to make statements such as, "I just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up in the morning," or "I don't care if I get in a car wreck." These are passive death wishes - something or someone causing a death.
On the other hand, if a teen starts talking about when, where and how to do "it," or if there is a history of depression or suicidal behavior, this is a much more serious matter and needs immediate attention. Get prompt professional help.
Anger. Anger can often create problems at home, at school or with friendships. Anger needs to be expressed, but in appropriate ways. Unspoken anger can become depression. If the angry teen is creating problems, and normal ways of expression are not helping, this teen may need further counseling for anger management.
Guilt. Feelings of guilt often leave the teen isolated and alone, with an absence of self-esteem. The shame that accompanies guilt takes the form of deep, dark secrets -- a very heavy weight to carry around. You can help the teen find some relief from these feelings by being a good listener and by not trying to talk him or her out of it. Suggest writing a letter to the person who died asking for forgiveness, perhaps even taking that letter to the grave and reading it out loud. Or list the things that are most guilt inducing on a biodegradable helium balloon and let it go. If measures like this don't help, don't hesitate to refer the teen for further therapy.
Substance abuse. Have information about the perils of substance abuse available. There are times when teens use drugs or alcohol to try to take away the pain. Look for denial, anger and guilt with teens you suspect are using drugs or alcohol. When referring such a teen for additional help, find a therapist who specializes in grief and substance abuse.
Skipping school or dropping grades. A normal part of grief is not caring about anything and a lack of motivation or interest. Help the teen understand that these intense feelings of grief are temporary, and that the more they skip school or don't do their homework, the harder it will be to catch up. Teens who are staying away from school may not know that, if this continues, they could be brought before a judge and sent to a probation home or juvenile detention center.
Acting out sexually. The pain of grief is so great and the emptiness so profound, it is not uncommon to look for a warm body to fill the void. This closeness is usually only a temporary fix that may lead to regret, shame, and fear of disease and pregnancy. If a girl is thinking that sex will make her feel better, help her understand her displaced needs and what she may get herself into. If a boy is showing the same tendency, help him understand that the issue goes beyond contraception; what is involved is his own need to address his grief in way that will bring him real relief.
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